"Ze" : queer as fu*k ! Review and Interview

They're crying rainbows, and vivid makeup streams all the way down their cheeks. Their grimace makes their emotions seem real, despite those cheerful colours. The poster shows someone with short hair, too. Polished promotional material led me to believe this could be a slick, amusing rather edgy show, and the image suggested trans elements. It's a testament to broadly-based, clear trans promotions and publicity lately that I felt quite comfortable with those ideas, as if already familiar with their culture. “Ze” : queer as f*ck! was also not quite what I expected in some ways, yet I felt glad of that. I saw this performance at the beginning of its short season. By the end of its run the houses were packed, and deservedly so.

Photo from the flyer - by Virginia Guy with Graphic Design by Riley Vladyr Burns 

The person in the promo photograph was neither male nor female, to my way of seeing. More succinctly than before, the language for communicating about people who identify as another gender has changed, and grown. In my naive sophistication I also believed I knew quite a range of facts and terms, regarding this group of people, and perhaps I knew most of it? Personal stories make great monologues, too, so I looked forward to some truth told with personal style and maybe a few odd details I'd find surprising. Quite true. This show is also much much more than that.

Gay or queer or whatever you call culture that's not heterosexual, often emphasises sexuality to the degree that it can seem as if that's all there is, perhaps. I expected some sexy bits and a few shocks. Despite my worldly experiences I still find discussing sex openly with strangers, or seeing any kind of sex portrayed in public, somewhat disturbing in some ways. It feels like a violation of intimacy at times. I'm also aware that the charged atmosphere with this kind of performance may cause trouble, from others, and that can bother me. The atmosphere at Garnet Station's Tiny Theatre is however so welcoming, inclusive, and safe, that my concerns were considerably reduced.

All other photos by Goad Studio 

We all have idiosyncrasies, except arguably for identical twins, everybody experiences their own individual reality. Humans mainly all feel to a degree, alone. But in marginalised or unusual situations we may feel more alone. Those sidelined or outcast can experience extraordinary trouble with communicating, or getting whatever's wanted or needed, more than those with more common backgrounds, do. We've become accustomed you could say, to hearing about the struggle of somebody to come out, for instance, as a lesbian, or to admit to be a cross-dressing, sado-masochist for that matter. Some as well realise they possess a highly individual, startling identity, or unusual persona, which they want known to maintain their happiness and well-being. I expected issues with relating to families and the general public to feature, and this was the case in “Ze” : queer as f*ck!

Tiny Theatre at Garnet Station Cafe, a converted tiny house down the back of the property seems rather like an old country church, or schoolhouse, (with some irony). Many shows there present genuine edginess, with startling qualities. Although everything I've seen so far is also professional, and highly original. Anyway I walked in, the first punter of an almost full house, to see on stage a short distance away someone doing calisthenics. An army-style warm-up, with loud dance music playing. This athletic figure on stage in tight grey camouflage shorts and grey marle singlet, had short dark hair, but also sported a large transparent purple dildo, well-attached and completely visible from their fly-front shorts. A blatant scenario, albeit rather workaday too like an exercise class. Wide-eyed I sat at the front as the technician/stage manager suggested, by the wall for support.

Subtle elements of Michelle Lunicke's true story, ze (or they) perform as Michelle/Ryan, 

presented in a deeply personal but amusing manner, and sometimes shocking details also 

surface. This confessional or honest narrative eventually makes the audience feel like close 

friends of this accomplished performer. Humour and empathy created a genuinely pleasant 

experience.

A simply dressed stage with black surrounds, to the right a blue felt rectangle board such as at a Sunday School, set up holding various symbols in bright colours like a red felt heart, a flesh-coloured brain, and a yellow geometric shape with various sexuality symbols jutting from it. Props in some cases look jolly, or funky like a teenager could make. Michelle/Ryan produced various stick-on symbols to indicate their emotions, their thinking, their sexuality, (quite a complex drawing) and other such particulars. Cut out shapes from that blue felt board were easily peeled away then patted into place on Michelle/Ryan's clothing. A cartoonish quality, amusing, also crafty, and touching. The homey tone and look of some of this show endears the character's tale and persona to us. We're drawn in closer, and Michelle/Ryan gets across the development, awareness, bewilderment, relationships, and pleasures of their existence in a manner that convinces the audience every word's the truth. This definitely matters.

Marginalised people vary, but perhaps the most isolated are those for whom no language exists to describe them, or to allow those people to explain who they are to others, and of course themselves. The genuinely rare, for instance (to take a quite different example), like the mere 20% of humanity considered highly sensitive, with them other more common types do at times notice an unexplained difference. The less sensitive may act upon their alarm in hostile, dangerous, or outright criminal ways. If a marginalised person has something unusual about their gender, others' reactions can manifest dangerously then too. Worry may come from a perceived lack of order, an inability to know who someone is, or what to say. But apt work like this play with its blatant title offer language, including visuals, audio, and humour, and a friendly intimacy to explain or define. This work defines gender-queer. Such an intelligent and witty performance, testament to the acting skill, writing ability, and layered thought processes involved with the whole production. Director and dramaturg Peter Larsen, and the writer/actor Michelle Lunicke and their lighting technician and stage manager together, present something not only thought provoking, but heart-felt, and highly amusing.

                        

“Ze” : queer as f*ck! proved extraordinarily revealing, clever, and definitely entertaining, with a sense of something new. Michelle/Ryan's showed their own startled amazement that they were as they are, then what that meant in a so-called rainbow community. Multifarious people too have their mainstream, conservatives, some rude and annoying folk, their own in-groups and out-groups. Even there in the sometimes defined as queer community, you're more acceptable with an easily defined sexuality, anything obvious is best. Such sobering and upsetting details are also made clear in this performance.

Various essentials are revealed about the life of a particular individual who identifies with no gender at all, and who can swap from one gender to another, in a breath, or literally appears as genderless. They're still without a doubt also attractive and sexy, but no sexual identity creates a kind of blankness at the same time, in the mind of the viewer. What this means includes not just exploring sexual activities. Their life provides a strong narrative in this show. But yes, Michelle Lunicke derives wry satisfaction in explaining some sexual behaviour, however quite often it's like they're describing a recipe method, or a particular way to do exercise properly. Refreshing to see unusual sex discussed so plainly. Then the unexpected ways these interactions affect our hero/heroine are revealed, and people's reactions to zir. When some others realise what a complex being Michelle/Ryan actually is, delight, curiousity, consternation, distress, and other reactions abound. Many tend to want a comfortable label, to move on in a fashion that's not offensive, that's hopeful, and kind, (or in some cases that allows avoidance). This show openly explains that some never fit an easy to understand picture, and nor should we.

All of us, after all, possess some highly individual qualities. No one's entirely simple, nor created the way an object is, able to be taken apart and examined, entirely. This is a good thing we need to accept, but can we all do this?

Zir (or their) show also explores themes of loneliness and cruelty, the role religion plays in what a family allows or does not allow, and debunks the notion that our sexuality is a choice. It seemed to me if Michelle/Ryan could choose just one way to be, at a few points in their life they would've chosen, for respite. They lacked a decent-sized group to belong to, and suffered from general prejudice, within and without the gay community.

But the varied story also segued into the delights of exploring where few could've wanted to explore before. Gender-queer combined with high intelligence, good looks, fitness, and a spirit of adventure means this character grew quite inspired towards a myriad of relationships, and curious activities. A kind of sportiness pervaded the whole show too, adding to the humour and revealing the character's penchant for plain, simple decisions about complicated notions. Michelle/Ryan appeared capable of simply trying something out to see how it went, rather than agonising for too long over possibilities, first. Sensible use of a rubber glove ensued.

         

Inventive stage lights and management added details and moods to the work which expertly set it off, and in some cases definitely offered more depth, or emphasis. Bright, clear lighting at the start felt strangely reassuring, even if also confronting, it was like they were saying, “Nothing to hide here, come on in.” Amusing elements worked visually as well, like with the blue felt board props, but also such as with the rather hell-fire lighting when the actor produced a half-metre high, white wooden Christian cross. Lights shining upwards flashed red, as if from the open gates of Hades.

I've seen many theatre productions, in countless settings indoors and outside. This show now sits in my top ten best of all time stage shows. Sure, the delivery at times may've been better a little less frantic, a little less hurried, and sometimes words perhaps would've registered more effectively with better enunciation, while slightly tidier, or slicker props and costuming could also lift the visuals into another league, but the overall effect of the performance, writing, staging, lights and sound proved excellent. Insights offered into not only the life of one highly idiosyncratic individual, but into how human beings behave quite often no matter who we are, provided a fine sense of shared experience, trust, and hope. Valuable, brave, what we need more of, arts which go to the heart, soul, and truth of human experience, stating without a doubt that we need to know such details so we communicate more effectively about so much more, too, and survive in much better condition in future.

Interview on the Last day of the Two Week Run May 2016 Garnet Station Cafe Westmere, Tamaki Makaurau, Auckland, Aotearoa New Zealand

Michelle/Ryan's been performing this in Australia, and opened “Ze” : queer as f*ck! in Perth at Fringe World, then also staged the show in Adelaide, Dunedin, Whangarei, and next is Toronto and Vancouver.

Ze said in the regional culture near Canada where ze was born, there is a passive aggressive, polite PC sort of attitude which Michelle/Ryan only discovered in contrast when Michelle/Ryan moved to a more cosmopolitan region within Canada.

Despite being in an fairly unchurched part of North America, Michelle/Ryan grew up exclusively in private Christian schools, Christian youth groups, bible studies, churches, and associated church activities. The only interaction with the secular world was the occasional visit to the local community theatre. Ze never visited a major city without supervision from Christian adults until ze was 18 years old. In Canada's wider concept of religion and "being in the world," ze became a person.

There Michelle/Ryan enjoyed the opportunity to explore the world and develop beliefs and ideas on zir own, with “some kind of background to build a foreground from,” not only the church. All of a sudden there was independence, career options, new culture.

“You can't possibly know who you are until you have a few things to choose from, before you know who you are not.” Michelle/Ryan had left zir religious cloistered life “to live a hair's breadth from a metropolitan city, and attend university.” This meant enormous changes. While ze explained these to me zir animation emphasised how exciting it felt, the changes, the newness, the huge range of choices, suddenly.

I asked, “Were you shocked after realising how sheltered you were?”
“At 18 I was, I thought, pretty sophisticated. Pain has a way of maturing a person. I'd been through a lot of pain,” ze relayed this information in a matter-of-fact manner. Michelle/Ryan appears to have come to terms with zir difficult experiences. “The one thing my family could not shelter me from was me. The family itself also was this incredible suffering. All this incest and hitting, and a lot of emotional abuse, and what I would call spiritual abuse – using religion to shame someone as if it will make them a different person. But like I say in the show it was all considered normal.”
Michelle/Ryan also emphasised she blames no one in her family or community for their behaviour, because when you live in a closed world you have no idea there is any other way. Her compassion appeared genuine, and touching.

Religion anyway became the ultimate relief, in such a place. It's the community identity, the hope in religion provides a kind of sustenance, routine helps to lull people, and religion grows to represent a part of who a person believes they are. “You cannot spend five minutes speaking with my mother, without at least once discussing God,” smiling, Michelle/Ryan says this lightly, she's accepting of the way things actually are, and displays a great deal of understanding.

Leaving that religious, protected culture at 18, “...despite the suffering, despite the maturing in a tight cask...” suddenly being in the world there was a strange juxtaposition in being experienced with life's pain, but not being able to deal with it all that well, except with religion.

Michelle/Ryan had various concerns, she told me, while we sat in Garnet Station Cafe that afternoon for this interview, sun streaming in the big window, “I don't get gender. I've never got gender. I looked at the whole 'man head of the house, women submit' thing, and wondered why that was a recommended world. The answer I was given was that is how God made us different. Then I couldn't see how we were different.”

This discussion grew intense, Michelle/Ryan's sincerity apparent, zir voice calm and measured, “ When I came out as a lesbian, was when I finally accepted how different men and women were. How I created gender parity was by dating the same gender. [But] I don't think men and women are all that different. I didn't like how I was being treated differently as a woman, but as a lesbian you do not deal with gender inequality within the relationship the same way. It's not a claimed source of misunderstanding so you don't hide behind it. There are no pink jobs and blue jobs. [But] the world seems to think there are different ways of talking to men about some things, because they're supposedly so different.”

We both agreed these supposed gender differences made for some strange communication, at times.

“The more roles are divided in a hyper way the more inclined I am towards eliminating that difference.”

I guessed in this case ze meant that extreme compartmentalising is done around gender roles and work, but it's truly not needed, or sensible.

In a lesbian relationship, ze noticed, “There's no issue about who's going to initiate affection, who's doing child rearing, who earns wages, who's more equipped to do certain tasks. The same socialisation's happened with both of you, when you're in a lesbian relationship.”

Listening to Michelle/Ryan, I gained insight and felt grateful.

“Gender-queerness changed all of that. I realised it was all made up and could be remade.”

Ze also noted other effects of gender-queerness, and how there are biases against it within the gay and queer communities, for various reasons. “There are gay women and men who would be a bit more gender-queer. But they don't want to take the step of admitting that, and lose the significance of their place in the gay community. After years of fighting for all of that, some of the men might be women. Their orientation could be a bit in question, but this questioning could start a giant domino effect, with various other changes ruining the stable, secure image they want to project, to be validated by many in the straight community, and their own groups too.”
One plain decision to be more flexible with their gender identity could create so many more changes, some seem to not want to tell the wider population any new ideas about themselves.

“I want belonging without the fitting in. Fitting in sounds like a real strain. I guess what I really want is unconditional love. I think if time is [always] now, then yes unconditional love exists, but humans change constantly.”

We discussed the philosophy of loving someone no matter what they did or said, no matter what they were like in their complete self. We all need to be accepted as we truly are and cared for, but boundaries and limits also need to be evident. It's also not possible for anyone to be perfect, to always love ideally, either, or to come out as they are then lead a trouble-free existence due to their clarity, and honesty.

                

I asked where ze gathered their ideals from. Michelle/Ryan answered with the day drawing on and zir show to start in only a few hours, the last night in Auckland. “Idealism comes from, in some ways, from being raised so religious. I have experienced miracles, the unexpected, profound love, compassion and acceptance. [But] I don't think we can have unconditional love all the time and I don't think we can thank or blame religion for that.”
“It can be in a state of flux?”” I asked ze.
“Yes, we go in and out of our unconditional love, like it's a muscle. We flex it. You create an environment where that can happen. I do want to live in a world where we all belong, and I'm going to work to create it as much as possible, and inspire other people to create their own sphere of “unconditional positive regard” (Rogers said that, a psychologist who developed what become Positive Psychology, Rogerian psychology), and appreciation for diversity, and curiousity. Whitman said - Be curious not judgmental- by the way.”

The cafe patrons came and went while we talked, and I typed up as much as I could, trying not to get distracted. A fascinating subject, erudite and forthright too. Michelle/Ryan observed each question carefully, and answered with obvious intelligence, quickly and in-depth.

“Do you think the show creates more open-mindedness?” I asked as time ticked on, and shifted in my chair at the big white table.
Ze smiled and hefted her phone, looking pleased. “I get calls, and I also have people coming up to me saying they have to go home and think again about quite a few things.”

I nodded, thinking I did the same.

“I always get at least one phone message every morning, from someone the night before saying they realise there's a lot more running around in their minds. I'm paraphrasing. They have more to think through than before. And they're grateful I put words to so much of it.”

It seems to be zir function, one of them, to make it clear to people that we need to see how useful boundaries are, in fact. Do any limits we place upon ourselves give rise to useful actions and desires?

“I'm pretty utilitarian. If someone has a boundary... like how do they define their gender?” Ze said the function of boundaries needs to be understood. Ze wanted to get across that people need to see what their definitions actually do for them. “If the definition's used as limitation, or to bolster an overly patriarchal hierarchy then they're not so great.”

We discussed such matters more intently as time passed, and grew deeply interested in various philosophical notions. Ze prompted me to look up a quote about contrasts, and I found this, “Contrast is important.... We understand what light is because we can compare it with what we know is dark. Sweet is made sweeter after we eat something bitter. It’s the very same with sadness. And it’s important to experience sadness, to embrace it in order to truly know happiness.” Tarryn Fisher from F*ck Love (co-incidentally)

“Pain is just a shadow in order to contrast light,” ze asserted. “I have such an immense contrast of pleasure with the pain I've experienced, I show that in the show.”

Working with first nations in America and Canada, a few people called ze “Permission Giver” because ze has a tendency to say, “Everything's all right. You as a person are not in need of 'fixing'. Some perspectives could need tweaking, but all is not lost.”

“My identity comes from how I respond to the world around me, I say in the show. People who do some mighty cruel things are both creating the environment and a product of their environment at the same time. We'll always have to find creative ways to deal with them. Occasionally you have to isolate those cruel people, but that's a much smaller minority than we may assume.”

The sun lower in the sky now, we needed to wrap the interview up but our conversation in the cafe did keep us both intrigued.

“Authenticity is in some ways in a dance with belonging, because you can't feel like you belong if you don't feel authentic. But also you may be authentic and not belong.”

Ze has a somewhat casual or generously accepting attitude to the profound nature of zir work. It's up to each audience to decide what they want to take from “Ze” : queer as f*ck!, while writer and performer Michelle Lunicke as Michelle/Ryan gets whatever they wish from it too. “I'm saying what I want to say in each work, even if most of it passes quite a few people by. I feel pretty solid, secure as a person to know that what I am saying and doing has some underpinnings for me, about what I am saying in the world and what it is and how it could work.”

We said goodbye then and Michelle/Ryan went to get ready for zir last show in Auckland. Next, Canada, and then, who knows?
Flyer photo by Virginia Guy with Graphic Design by Riley Vladyr Burns 
All other photos by Goad Studio 

Fame, what's the same?

Stencil from Unknown Artist Street Art over a Sign for Selling
Visual from the show Naked Food and Takeaway Truth - The Second Stage of Love
first performed at Garnet Station's Tiny Theatre - Raewyn Alexander and Rene Harrison 2016

"I love you, and because I love you I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth, than adore me for telling you lies." Pietra Aretino

Poetic license enables us poets to tell the truth in countless ways. 

This below is from Naked Food and Takeaway Truth, The Second Stage of Love, a recent show Rene Harrison and I did in Westmere, Tamaki Makaurau Auckland at The Tiny Theatre, Garnet Station Cafe. 

Nothing 

Her Love bangs a gong with a glad stick,

scares away lemons and honey grabbers,

with many hands like an Indian God, Her Love.

She noses him as if they're as close as paint and canvas

or gunpowder inside a firework.

But stately quite different noises

from separate graces,

and rumours play roulette with blank looks.

Those who think they own them fish out glory,

for their fates to follow and colour inside the lines.

Struggling not with each other but hum-drum else,

and all those meets and muddle turned into cake,

with the plain story icing, (lemon probably).

Bitterness suits the warp anyway.

Interference arrives in a white limousine,

steps out as if it bones the road and sky,

and it breaks off a dice of the landscape

tosses that into the luck of the nearest photographer.

Him and her, they represent sheer obstacles

for Interference's open game,

as tall as possible to maybe get swept up

and shovelled down-time with hopeful mirrors.

Mixing sharp metaphors,

because Interference cuts almost everyone,

into a moat of moaning.

Lonely without inventing robots,

approximately the size of do love,

and yet appearing as plastic taste,

choking winged things and ruining swims,

a pungent mix of reckless and electronics.

Karma,

choices,

their riddle to believe they could land so near,

and then this peddling fear,

this falalala,

this hunching from the inside.

Bobbing through realising he's jived that way for volumes,

and here they both bar now,

whispering locks together

hoping they find a stray out.

When all along

they're in hearing

and

daring,

and

nowhere too.

So now their doves know....

- - -

Relationships matter, we need to read about how people get along, or don't, and study how we can best communicate. Do discuss relationships critically and strategise them, for your survival.  Ask experts for guidance, too.

Human beings depend on relationships for support, sharing information, protection, and understanding, a sense of belonging, and far more. 

Families and friends help each other day-to-day in countless ways when they're functional, well, and decent, in agreement for the most part too, perhaps. Healthy neighbourhoods work together socialising and swapping information, or just offering some support at the least - just saying hello to people next door promotes a friendly atmosphere. Then, in business and organisations, the most successful build strong, well-connected, flexible, finely-resourced communities, sometimes world-wide. 

Fame can result from when you're known to be helpful, or talented, useful in some way, fame within your own family, neighbourhood, or wider community.  Fame may also grow mega, with moola and magnificence to match.

A relationship with someone famous, or association with them benefits all parties. Fame creates an isolating glamour in some ways. Welcoming people in from outside any usual circle of renown provides fresh ideas, a new outlook, and an outsider's view which may be agreed or disagreed with, to benefit everyone. Dialogue is the only way we progress, the philosopher Buber said. Obviously too, a celebrity's milieu affects the newcomer's status, as if by osmosis, or magic, or accident.  This may or may not be welcome, (some people dislike glamour and attention from strangers who appear to be fascinated with them, all of a sudden).  Obscurity has its own rewards, too.

But sycophantic behaviour, where slavish people agree with the powerful or famous no matter what they do or say, or dominators controlling and virtually imprisoning a celebrity, those situations create a cultish, dangerous, and eventually an ill culture.

Agreement at any cost destroys beneficial behaviour to a large degree. Blind obedience denies open and honest discussion, this removes many possibilities which could more likely lead to improvements, and surviving well due to a range of choices, not a limited bunch of them. If it becomes more important to agree than to find the best solutions, if it seems more important to go along with whatever's happened usually, without question, we're perhaps not being careful enough. How may we be sure not to harm or hurt others in light of new developments? We sadly may lose the awareness that we need to respect each other, properly. If we encourage group think, or yes-man behaviour, we lose so much. 

True dialogue results in genuine swapping of views, ideas, solutions, and information, in a dynamic, lively manner. Dialogue may include some arguments or disagreements, dialogue can be puzzling or odd at times, but a to and fro discussion is a natural and absolutely vital part of any healthy relationship.

Think of dialogue as like a road to someplace you've never been. You take bends and rough bits at different speeds, the smooth straights you take more easily, road signs need attention too, the features of this road are unexpected but go with them as you feel best. You want to get to where you're going. But if you grow tired or confused, stop, rethink things, try to see the best way to continue. This illustrates what a worthwhile discussion may also involve.

Road to the Coromandel from Highway One Aotearoa New Zealand

Enjoying strong relationships with honest, dependable, talented and/or hard-working people, we could say life's usually going to go well insofar as day-to-day projects appear. Mistakes and errors may be allowed for here too, and redesigning or changing as needs be. 

A communication breakdown can happen then, when something goes awry. 

It's best to leave things a while before reconnecting so all parties have time to figure out what happened. Later, people are more able to go on as a couple or group in future, after a pause, with the new information gathered and understood.

Everyday or ordinary communication is more easily managed, perhaps, since it usually includes only those directly involved. Fame however is about glamour, and that's tricky, an enhancement and somewhat false, difficult to live with, at times, if you've grown eccentric with all the extra attention. Fame can magnify your ego, a sense of self may swell and overwhelm your reason. But we need will and discipline to function properly, even if a glamorous successful life is involved. 

A hand-book for the famous could provide those who have to work with them with some light relief, and a few laughs, if nothing else. Fame may also be a light thing, someone's well known at work or within their family, or local area, for good deeds, or a skill or talent. In any case, fame's a curious upbeat mood-maker, a heightener of atmosphere, maybe making some people involved more excited and expansive, and more curious, more envious too, and so on.

Some people grow famous for being themselves, personalities so charismatic, or they tell great stories, or they're extraordinarily kind, lovely, amusing... but it's their works or actions that attracted the fame, in part at least. Ego makes us feel confident or able, but fame's not all about our sense of identity; the ego, grows to include fame, but allowing renown to completely overwhelm us is unwise. We can then too easily hide the fact we have some serious self-development to do, that fame is masking or making up for other vital qualities we lack and could anyway find and nurture.

We may start to seem monstrous, even to ourselves. So do we then only have relationships with other monsters, other strange and difficult people? What issues may appear then?  And what does our PR expert tell us about having to appear fine to the general public? How does a person seem acceptable to the everyday person, while believing they are also a monster, or strange? How does popularity work?

It's fascinating to look into other people's celebrity lives, perhaps, but what does that teach us about ourselves? And what do they know, in their rarified hideouts and headquarters, about fair human behaviour, day-to-day, to stay healthy, to feel good, to enjoy their status in the best possible spirits, genuinely, with love?

Book cover by Raewyn Alexander - a visual from Naked Food and Takeaway Truth poetry and music show

He Painted Himself as a Monster 

and someone gave him a movie about almost extinct animals

then on his birthday stated no one cared about him

while I wondered if poachers could arrive

treasure hunters on safari

taking souvenirs to prove they saw a shadow in habitat

fluff from room corners or books this man read

before the trouble

and I sat there and sit here suspended

swinging away from bruises I guess

I painted myself as a woman made of shadows

and also appear monstrous

(told throughout my life to stay light and smiling

don't notice too much - never think deeply)

but my shape is more realistic than his

wondering what saves how we want to live

together in our treasure house of ideas and pain

with other valuables and setting ourselves alight

nobody escapes some kind of taming

no matter what gallops across every dream

living things often twist or buck in some fashion

but surely we may parlay around kindness?

this large blue cloud we exhaled

pieces trail after us like we're mountains

however moving across landscapes of what we wish

trying to escape the envious with their gusty weather

privacy an enemy to the crowds grabbing snapshots

they demand clear views of when we fall and cry

those who find killing wild things a pleasure

swarm across the world with bleach and concrete

power held inside like another organ

gradually their hearts cease anything but pumping

every pulse closer to more money

but we build ourselves without them

he and I find gardens from nowhere

using nothing but a little fire and threads we think

understanding belief in our plans keeps water fresh

even if someone's stomped through here with noisy dirt

refusing to understand our language or hopes

but he shall stride over the ruins and appear where I am

with his love translated

understanding

Book cover by Raewyn Alexander - also a visual from Naked Food and Takeaway Truth

But the title of this blog is, Fame, what's the same? The easy answer to that is you are, people stay the same when famous, at least at first. It's the way other people regard and treat you that changes, but you're the same person you were beforehand, more or less. You who brought yourself here, there, and over there, and in a few places you didn't realise you'd ever be, as well.  Then those other people take their ideas of you away to yet more places too; talk travels, and writing about your work and you, and reputation builds and changes, sometimes not for the better but hopefully, usually, with fair management, this unfolds well.

A curious anomaly also can appear to different genders, in different ways, experiencing fame. The way their culture views whatever gender they may be is heightened and exaggerated. Fame magnifies and distorts so much. A woman may be reviled, even if she is famous, for showing off what she's done, more than a man would be, in some places, for instance, for the same amount of boasting or promotion. Famous women have more said and written about what they look like, how they dress, and what their weight may be, than a man would receive such comments. Someone trans also would too often, I'd say, receive in the west, quite different treatment by the mainstream media, than a man or woman would notice in reactions to their own publicity.

I've noticed a woman discussing her relationship, in a famous context, (or not), is more often expected to include many more people than just herself and her partner. A man discussing his female partner would not be criticised for only mentioning her, and no one else, by the same media, I believe. There appears to be an expectation that women discount themselves in favour of others, too, while men are permitted to discuss relationships as they wish, or not at all, and that's fine.  This is because of a gendered difference in communication. But we may also take on masculine or feminine ways of communicating, as we find necessary, and this needs to be more widely accepted.

Relationships for those who're famous present a different choice than for everyday people, however, surely? Some famous people are kept isolated by those who care for them, like Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, or grow isolated due to issues of their own like Howard Hughes. But in order to feel humanly happy, connected to the community and to more creative possibilities, the famous also need to step outside their usual comfort zone, or they may atrophy, (freeze into sameness), and can lose what they felt at the outset, their own excitement and joy for life, for example.

Orchids, photo by Raewyn Alexander

One of the reasons I create shows and perform poetry is to make myself read work aloud to people, live. An audience who do not know me, in new places, often changes the work I do, and usually improves it at the least with a fresh approach or new word play. This stepping outside my everyday work helps my creativity and builds confidence, increases the amount of people who see my work, and develops new relationships, too.

A writer usually seeks to develop and improve their work, if they're dedicated, in my experience.

So, fame's a curious atmosphere to inhabit and communicate in, and relationships still appear vital there. At first you're the same person you always were, but fame colours everything whether you realise it or not, and the glamour, the trickery, the strangeness, and the expectations of others putting on the pressure, plus much more can make someone long for what they had before, when life wasn't such a public business. It's healthy to seek outside views, to be flexible, and to realise your limitations, admit mistakes may be made and learn how to say sorry and mean it. 

Life is change though, and we need to embrace that with all love and care possible.

Your comments are welcome, and thanks for reading. 

<< More artwork follows >>

Collage book cover, an Inspiration Book, by Raewyn Alexander

Page from my comic, Nothing and Nowhere (but Love), black ink & coloured pencil

The King and Queen of Kindness - black ink drawing

Piwakawaka http://www.doc.govt.nz/nature/native-animals/birds/birds-a-z/fantail-piwakawaka/
drawn to illustrate one of Rene Harrison's poems from Naked Food and Takeaway Truth

The drawings that follow are also in Naked Food and Takeaway Truth, and in the zine we've had printed too, some of them. These are all by Raewyn Alexander, and in the show are enormous poster-sized pieces of work.

Illustration from our show for Auckland is a Cat
- inspired by riffing on the idea with Geneva Alexander-Marsters in the car one evening

Narrative Writing at Unitec

Along a sunlit street and into a doorway, who was that tall, white-haired figure? What did they carry? An old valise packed with papers, a live hen who seemed content there tucked under their arm, or was it something clinking away and a party going on...?

Kia ora tatou katoa, start anything with a story and people love to read more.

http://www.indiannewslink.co.nz/no-cancer-sticks-in-unitec-campuses/

Sometimes we walk about the beautiful UNITEC grounds and find the birds inspire us. What is it about flight, the way they arrow across the blue, or flap and soar?

Write for your good self, (sort out any issue, celebrate great times), for a book, (entertain people or get them in the know), for advertising, (offer the public excellence), PR, (all the bells and whistles and also lovely music), websites, (gathering in support, customers, interest).... better report writing for that matter.... Give a client a good story with all your information in it, they'll remember more, they'll feel good and like you to work for them again, and the ideas you suggest can then be more easily done, get seen, improve the world.

A story displays acrobatics, or a subtle graceful curve. Why not? People remember what you say and do, with narrative, once upon a time....

You qualify for my third year Level Seven Narrative Writing course at UNITEC. You love writing or you're happy to try it out, and want to go professional in some manner, or already write for a student magazine, or a blog, or reviews on Amazon.

Just pop in here UNITEC School of Communication Studies, and ask. Easy.

Narrative Writing courses are part of the Communication degree programme. With a degree in International Communication you can be set on quite a grand journey, one past student has worked online with people all over the world, been invited to conferences overseas, and now their written work sells internationally too.

Assisting people with their writing makes the world a better place,  just write, learn to write good stories and so much else improves. Yes, simple as that.

Writing is always good for us. Simply start a journal or blog, control and focus your thinking, get more done, develop stronger relationships.

Also, you'll write at least 100% better than when you started my UNITEC course, or I'll take you through private lessons until satisfied. Happy to assist.

Countless past students out there love my classes and writing events too, probably tens of thousands by now, from Community College, Blue Haven Writing Workshops, Hibiscus Coast Writers, International Writers' Workshop, various arts festivals, Artists Alliance Workshops, Happy Tea House events, Poetry While You Wait at Objectspace and locally in Grey Lynn, while many private students see me for one-to-one tuition with many kinds of writing including learning to write in English.

Now this Narrative Writing course at UNITEC covers so much and it's a lovely place to study, great people, excellent grounds, plenty of parking. Or sign up for the degree, so worthwhile.

We write and we get better at it. Practise works.

Enrol today at the School of Communication Studies, then haere mai to the fabulous Communication Studies powhiri at UNITEC's marae, on Thursday. The most beautiful building in Auckland if you ask me - all about the story of Tamaki Makaurau Auckland, too.  Yes, the building itself tells a story.

Aue, can you hear whaea calling you?

Ataahua, so beautiful. See you there.

Maybe you'd like to watch a video too? This is the kind of promotion students grow to be more than capable of, at The School of Communication Studies, UNITEC, Tamaki Makaurau Auckland.

https://youtu.be/8YiK5Ah1Yp0


*hugs*

The Heat

Watercolour title page for my upcoming, Our Mother Flew Unassisted limited edition hand-made book, also available as a paperback, with plain title pages. From brightspark books and paperback available on Amazon world-wide.

In Aotearoa New Zealand, the intense February heat rattles into a topic of conversation, the way the latest exciting restaurant that's just proved more scary than cheery, could run loose in more urbane chit chat. We're under nuclear stare and glare from the sun these days in this most southern island country, (although the tip of South America is also way down south, we're a series of islands and lack continental protection from the elements).

On this blog I often speak about planting trees for travel, to cover our carbon costs but also, planting trees presents a wise activity even if you do not travel much. The sooner we get at least half as many of those trees back which human beings have removed, the better. The weather will then grow less extreme, (with more trees growing), the threat of rising oceans shall diminish, and the amount of water in the atmosphere will also lessen. Those results create milder rains and snowfalls, everywhere, less flooding, reducing soil erosion, and providing other benefits.

Lobby your council and government to plant more trees, now. Plant them yourself too, and check they'll grow in the best and the safest place. Some trees endure for 100s of years, so they need room to grow. Others have deep root systems and require a landscape without underground pipes or wires, (no need to create a safety risk).

But then too I think about how extremes affect us emotionally in this crazy heat, and such adverse effects appear socially in our frazzled or harried attitudes to work and our families. Tempers and behaviour grow more and more unpredictable here when Silly Season is upon us, many could notice. The summer muggy heat in the north of En Zed plays a part in making some people a bit more erratic, somewhat more illogical, and at times severely ill, but too often those people involved may not realise it's the extreme glare and temperature making them so different to their usual selves.

Please take it easy.

Think it's best, possibly, not to make any definite weighty decisions about relationships, travel, spending large amounts of money, or major life changes, in extreme weather like this blasted heat and dryness in the south, or mugginess, as mentioned, up where I live, Tamaki Makaurau Auckland. Plan some changes or projects sure, make a few notes, but leave the final decision for when life cools down, if possible.

Supposing this evening that I tend to feel somewhat self-aware about this issue. Telling people I go crazy in the heat seems wise to me. Extreme summer weather means I'm harder to understand, and make more errors than usual, may grow flustered or overly emotional quite fast, at times appearing upset over not much....But usually with those folk tolerant of human beings there's no trouble understanding me there. 

Love finds an answer.

Collage cover of Our Mother Flew Unassisted poetry collection - to be launched 6 March 1pm - 6pm The Happy Tea House 45 Ivanhoe Road, Grey Lynn, Tamaki Makaurau Auckland, Aotearoa New Zealand. Thanks to Chris Knox for helping me choose this cover for the paperback book. 

When something momentous upsets me however, a virus fever, an upset with a loved one, or other deeply affecting incident, I can go into a strange kind of netherworld. There, catastrophising seems as natural as singing is to certain other people. Then I make not only mountains from molehills, but entire mountain ranges of volcanos, and then thunderstorms as well. Steamy, dangerous, and ridiculous, most of this disturbing atmosphere is imaginary and worrying, but I can easily believe in my exaggerated ideas at the time. I wish more people understood me, I suppose, perhaps I need some kind of care manual? What could it be like to offer such a document to new friends and close associates?

Here in a still heat, sitting inside a quiet house, with some occasional traffic soothing by outside, on my second day off from facebook, because I'm reducing stress, life's a bit shaky lately. Sympathy and empathy from some quarters appear lacking or non-existent. This of course makes the situation feel worse. I need to learn to only listen closely to those who prove they love me, through their actions, (again, supposing, here), but doesn't that sound far too ideal? Also, what does 'proof' entail? Lately I'm not sure.

When under any strain, recent advice is to remove something you usually do but do not have to do, (and then that makes a difference). The lack of social media in my busy days has resulted in a little more texting for me, and those phone messages are generally for only family, close friends, or business, so the distracting (albeit at times delightful) rest-of-the-universe does not appear present, nor intrusive. Our nearest and dearest truly are too, they stay in mind, and without social media I've time to think about what I'd really like to say to only them. But some truly loved people are not around, and there's an issue.

My imaginary conversations then also take up a fair amount of time altogether. Although the single dialogues themselves rarely last longer than four or so minutes. Imagining what people may say in reply reveals what I know, and do not know, about those I'm acquainted with; it also makes me feel less lonely.

Recently I've, by the way, associated with someone contradictory, openly hostile when no one else but me much notices, and who seems to believe they're superior to others, while they've covertly hurt a friend of mine for some years, too. The effects of this rather toxic encounter has left me in despair at times. Luckily, I do know some excellent friends with genuine empathy, and also, learnt over many years to exercise self discipline, so I put the troublemaker out of my mind as often as I can. Various steps have been taken too, in order to change their behaviour or minimise the harm, hopefully.

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/effects_of_hap.asp

http://pichost.me/1523885/   picture from this website

It can feel so dispiriting, however, to realise first-hand how cruel some people truly are to others, nevertheless, and so recuperation feels vital. Staying offline as much as possible does calm me. The garden has assisted enormously, too. Tending the earth, weeding, tidying edges, noting what grows well and what's most admired, all these experiences while gardening, and more, proved deeply engrossing and healing.

http://divinemindinstitute.com/inner-child-therapy/

One of the puzzles of contemporary life in big cities, in some places, is the isolation of people from each other for many reasons.

I like to encourage others to act with kindness wherever possible, by acting kindly myself towards others, and to myself. Even one extra kind moment a day may make a difference to someone else or your self. Anyone could then pass kindness on, with their feeling better about life generally so believing they're more able to act gently.

Naturally, it's mainly egoists, narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths who behave like they never make mistakes, (therefore many of us know we're not always good company, and feel sorry for that). I've learnt to think after any difficult interaction, "What did I do that I didn't like? How will I do that better, next time?" That's kindness to oneself. To take your self along as if a small child who needs tenderness, this can help anybody to forgive and adjust, in an adult fashion. Saying sorry and meaning it, surely also affects us, well.

http://ravenessences.com/when-the-world-is-dying-plant-a-tree/

Plant trees, act kindly, take care of one another. Not much to ask, is it? I hope not.